In this short video, I discuss a central DBT dialectic–that between acceptance and change.
The Lakeview Center’s Jason McVicker, LCSW, RDDP, leads a meditation on Loving Kindness.
The IPE skills can be split into three subcategories which we looked at last week:
1) Objectives effectiveness
2) Relationship effectiveness and
3) Self-respect effectiveness.
When the goal is to get our objectives met, as outlined in the image below, the DEARMAN skill is the skill to use:
DEARMAN is split into two parts. The DEAR part describes what we do to try and get an objective met, and the MAN part describeshow we do it.
When you are trying to get something you want or need from another person, because it involves somebody else – and because ultimately we cannot control other people – there is unfortunately no guarantee that the request will be successful. However, following this guideline will certainly maximise the chances. Furthermore, it will hopefully maintain…
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First of all we looked at what factors can get in the way of being able to be effective within relationships. We looked at this from three angles:
- Objectives Effectiveness:getting what you want or need from another person – knowing your limits, having your say, getting your opinion across, setting boundaries, resolving conflicts, etc.
- Relationship Effectiveness:keeping and improving relationships with other people – considering the other person’s needs, treating them with respect, working out what you want long-term from the relationship, maintaining meaningful connections, etc.
- Self-Respect Effectiveness:keeping or improving self-respect within relationships – respecting your own values and beliefs, acting in line with your morals and long-term goals, ending hopeless relationships, being effective, improving your sense of empowerment, etc.
Wefound that the main factors getting…
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GIVE is used when the priority within an interpersonal interaction is on Relationship Effectiveness i.e. maintaining the relationship.
The GIVE Skill is usually used in conjunction with the DEARMANskill when trying to be effective both in one’s Objectives Effectiveness and Relationship Effectiveness simultaneously. Here the combined skills may be referred to as DEARMAN-GIVE. In my opinion GIVE can be used on its own as well within any interpersonal interaction in which the relationship is important to you.
The acronym GIVE stands for:
- (be) Gentle – quite simply, this reminds us to be gentle, kind and respectful in how we approach the other person. It consists of 4 main aspects:
No attacks: try to stay away from blaming…
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… or some of all of these?
You may already be familiar with thinking about communication styles as passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction, offers a handy online chart (Communication Styles: A Personal Checklist) for getting to know even better our own dispositions and preferences—whether we are most concerned with expressing ourselves, making things happen, relating to others, or analyzing the situation. Those familiar with Lineman’s account of the three main goals in interpersonal situations (Objectives, Relationships, and Self-Respect) may find interesting correlates here. Shafir’s chart also helps to sort out how the conventional categories of passive, passive-aggressive and assertive sort out in terms of what each communicates to others about everyone’s relative importance in an interpersonal situation, as well as the verbal and non-verbal kinds of communication that are typical of each communication style, and some consequences of adopting each approach. This is useful information to consider as you are getting to know your own interpersonal style and developing skills and techniques to build relationships that you can want to have.
Link here to a personal narrative about depression and DBT by journalist Will Lippincott in the New York Times. Lippincott describes his early encounters with distress tolerance skills as well as the ways that DBT skills training has helped him in the long term to gain control over his troubling states of mind. A great introduction to DBT from a patient’s perspective. And an inspiring story.